On the night train

The hectic travelling starts again. First a train out of Hong Kong back into mainland China and back to the hell hole of Guanzhou. It was so humid there and we had to spend most of it on the dirty streets before heading to the train station once again. We had spoiled ourselves in Hong Kong so we had to start pinching pennies again to make sure we would survive the rest of the trip.



So in an effort to save a few bob we got a third class ticket bound for Nanning. These tickets are not given to "westerners" so we had to get a Chinese man to buy them for us. It was an overnight train and all we had were seat tickets. Not too bad you might think...but there is a reason why the tickets are not sold to westerners. These carriages are packed to the gills with people, smelly, dark, damp and pretty dangerous. There were standing tickets too for the people who couldn't afford to sit for 12 hours. The conditions were appauling. We had to tie our bags around ourselves and we had to take turns to sleep as even if we looked away there were hands pulling at our gear.



People got drunk as the night went on and thats when the fights started. There were people shouting and pointing at us. We stayed together. We tried to ignore them. I couldn't. I just wanted to scream...FxxK OFF!!!!!!. But I knew that it would make no difference. The pointing and shouting turned to poking and shouting. I lost it. I will not repeat what I shouted and probably would be locked up if i did. But after my rant things seemed to quieten up. I had beaten China.....for now!

1st September: Hong Kong Sing Song

I woke up feeling like I was sleeping in a shoebox. But it felt great. Knowing that a good breakfast was soon to pass my lips. I think this is what Muslims must feel like at the Iftar as their fast is broken. The difference was that I hadn't had a fry in over a month! We almost skipped down to Delaney's Irish pub with it's sign outside:

Full Irish Breakfast $99.

The price didn't matter at this stage. I wanted to fill my belly with sausages, rashers, bread and orange juice and all washed down with an extra cold pint of Guinness, well, I am on holidays afterall!

We could barely move after the feast and trundled down the road towards the water. The ferry over to Hong Kong island would have been nice but for all of us fearing of our breakfast reappearing like Jesus did, only this would have been less of a miracle. We fell in love with Hong Kong island. I don't know if it was purely the fact that we hadn't experienced consumerism for a month or the fact that it sparkled like a new penny. We hopped on the tram up to the top of Victoria peak to get a view of the place and were in awe at the cities skyline. Very impressive.

We took a walk around the top of the hill and each of us picked out which mansion best suited our personalities. My one had a pool, a wine rack, a cheese board and a modelling agency! I didn't take a photo.Then it was time to go to the pub. It was the first real session we had been on for a good while.......and it was great. Good food and good beer. There was dancing and singing and jumping and shouting and whispering loudly and even a drinking competition. I was the first to enter and won my round hands down. This is me warming up Richard for his round. Poor Richard got a raw deal though as he had to drink through a straw. As you can see I'm a bit merry here.

When we eventually left the pub we had to get the boat back across the harbour but it broke down half way bobbing in the water for half an hour and for the second time that day we felt like throwing up all over the boat. Once again had all been self inflicted.

I don't remember falling asleep.

August 31st: Out of China, into........well, China

Woke up again this morning to the smell of more pot noodles. It’s just sickening. We tried to stay in bed but had to get up in the end because of our crowded room on the train. The married couple from last night had already had a massive fight and she had gotten off the train somewhere during the night. That’s going to last long!

We exited the train to a seething mass of people in the city of Ghuanzhou. Our train to Hong Kong was not until 7.30pm so we had to arse around in this horrible city. It was really dodgy and very polluted.

The train to Hong Kong lifted our spirits. Lovely big leather reclining seats and a waitress that served us beer on the entire 1 hour journey into the city. Arriving in Hong Kong is like going to some futuristic city……..well, from where we had just come from. The taxi driver spoke English and we were at our hostel in a matter of minutes. It was soooo easy. Our room was on the 12th floor. It was about 5 feet by 3 feet in size and they had managed to squeeze 3 beds into the place. The door couldn’t even open properly without hitting one of the beds.

We went for a stroll around the streets and found a Singapore restaurant for a bit of dinner. It was the quickest service I have ever seen. Our soups were out before the waiter even left the table with our order. No joke. After dinner we headed to Delaney’s Irish pub for a pint. We all got an extra cold Heineken which was a nice change from a month of drinking Tsingtao Beer. We nearly choked when we found out how much they cost. 5.30 Euro!!!! per pint. And here are we trying to stick to a budget. Maybe Tsingtao isn’t that bad.

30th August: A choo-choo train and a wedding train.

Its time to leave western China behind us and head back to the east. This involves taking a 28 hour train trip along the south of China. We barely made the train as we stopped to get some beer to soften the long train journey. Again we were the height of attention as all the posh travelers take the planes and wouldn’t dare being stuck in a small cabin with 12 people. We of course were on a strict budget.

The smells in the train were terrible again as everyone in our carriage opened their pot noodles as the train took off. This did not bode well with the hangover. A new craze had also started. Eating hard boiled eggs in the pot noodle. As you can imagine it smelled even worse coming out than it did going in.

In our carriage full of strange people staring at us there was what could only be a newly wed couple whose honeymoon was this trip on the train. They spent most of the journey under the sheets tossing around and moaning. Not the nicest thing to be sleeping under.

On the good side of the trip were the views. We passed huge waterfalls, rolling hills, weird rock formations and hundreds of kids washing themselves in the sewers. Amazingly, it was the first time we had seen a paddy field in our month in China.

We cracked open the beers early but the conductor came around at 8pm and literally put everyone to bed. She was really annoyed with us because we couldn’t understand her and I got a bit worried when she jumped into my bed and pretended to sleep. Then I realized that she was telling us to go to sleep.

While bored on the train I decided to get rid of the rough and ready hunter/gather image:

And return to my boyish looks.

29th August: When there’s nothing to do, drink.

We arrived in Kunming at 6, a few hours ahead of schedule. After every taxi driver trying to rob us for a trip to the train station, we decided to walk. Because of this, all of the tickets to Ghuanzhou had been sold out so we would have to spend the night here in Kunming.

As we came out of the train station there were hundreds of people on the square dressed in three different colours, blue yellow and green. They were all doing Tai Chi in perfect unison led by a black cloaked master.

We searched around town and found what seemed to be the only hostel in the 4.3 million populated area. Again we were spoiled with running water that was on the luke warm side of cold.

Rich decided to lay low for a while while Fi and I visited the Bamboo temple which was well worth the trip out of town for. On entry its like every other temple we’d visited but as we delved deeper we found huge halls filled with hundreds of sculpted monks in ‘strange non-monk like poses’. The most impressive was the surfing monk, who was riding the waves on a fish.
With nothing else to do in this town we went and did what we do best. Drink. And drank some more. The session ended by us convincing Rich to get a massage. After an hour he came out looking none too impressed. Three Chinese girls had spent the hour by ‘hurting him as much as they could’. He told us he couldn’t tell them to stop because they had no English and for the most of the time he couldn’t scream because one of the three was standing on his windpipe.

After being in China for nearly a month now, I have mastered the art of squatting. Here's a few tips for budding travelers to areas of the world where sit down toilets are unheard of. Notice in the picture below that my feet are firmly on the ground. If I was not flat footed I would lose balance. Also notice how my hands are placed out in front for extra balance. This is particularly manditory on wet slippery floors.

And thats how you squat.....outside a temple. TaDaaa!

28th August: Tiger Leaping Gorgeous

We woke up this morning to the sound of lashing rain against the window. We looked out the window to the site of the spectacular gorge as the clouds began to clear across the peaks.
On the second leg of the trek we descended the whole way down to the rapids plunging through the narrow gorge. Once we got to the rapids we couldn’t hear each other talking with the sound of the water crashing off the walls of the gorge. Looking back up, we were dreading the climb back. On the way back up we came to a fork in the path. A lonely sign stood there with two arrows. One arrow leads to the safe but longer path while the other points to the ‘dangerous ladder’. We decoded on the latter. When we saw the ladder we nearly turned back straight away. They should have written perilous ladder, not dangerous ladder. It was an old rusty ladder that seemed to go up and up forever. We couldn’t see the top. We were a bit pressed for time so we decided to chance it. Halfway up the never-ending ladder my legs started to shake. I made the mistake of looking down at the angry waters below as the ancient ladder creaked and swayed. To be honest the rest of the climb was a blur. All I remember was sitting up and looking around. I was at the top and we were all sprawled out on the ground catching our breath as we realised what a stupid thing we had done. By some luck all of us had survived. When we reached the road above we decided to get into a van and get a lift back to Jane’s guesthouse. Halfway down the road we were brought to a dead stop as the road was covered with boulders from a landslide that had happened overnight with the rain. We had to climb over the top and hike quickly back to the guesthouse miles away. There we waited for an eternity for a bus. Eventually it came and brought us back to Lijang.
In Lijang another bus awaited us. A type of bus I had never been on before. A sleeper bus. It sounded exotic and what not but it was an awful thing altogether. The bunks were tiny both in width and length and the smell was out of this world. Our bus contained mostly kids who proceeded to vomit incessantly the whole way. Only 12 hours to go on this bus. Amid the vomiting and opium smoking teenagers I managed to fall asleep.

August 27th: The tiger went over the mountain...

The Tiger Leaping Gorge is so named from the legendary tale of a tiger leaping across at a narrow patch to escape hunters. Its’ scenery is awesome and would send a shiver up your back. We arose early to start on the trek. We are going to try and walk the gorge in two days. A day less than expected. We headed off and up to the high pass, it is a tougher walk on the high pass but you have less chance of being squashed by falling boulders!

It started out easy enough but a part of the trail called the 28 bends slowed our pace right down. When we got to the top of the 28 bends we came across a man who was just staring into the gorge over a thousand feet below.

I am completely over my chronic diarrhea but as you can see it took a big toll on my weight.

After 5 and a half hours of a trek we stopped for a rest and some lunch. We made tracks as soon as possible as we wanted to make the Walnut Garden before dark. Three hours later and we had made it.
We stayed in a place called Sean’s guesthouse. Sean was a one armed hippie who just loved to preen his flowers. He had a menu which included a “happy food” section. We soon found out that all the food on this part of the menu was loaded with marijuana. Sean also had the only hot shower in all of western China. After a long soak and a scrub we squashed into the tiny room and collapsed into a ball from the long trek. My eyes were closed before I hit the pillow (hard floor).

26th August: Dragon pools and Dragons

This morning we went to the Dragon pool park and on our way around exploring we were brought into a little house and given a lecture by the Dongba. He is one of only 7 left in the world. Head of the Naxi tribe. Much nicer than the Nazi’s I must say. We got tea and all. Then he tried to sell us some paper that he had written on. Too pricey for our budget….and completely shite! Rice paper with a drawing of a horse. A 7 year old child with no arms would have done better. He’s some business man.

We got on the 3.00 bus that would bring us to the entrance of the tiger leaping gorge. This is a trek we were going to take on. At the start of the trail is a place called Jane’s guesthouse. That’s where we stayed for the night before the long walk.
Jane greeted us at the gate and instantly took a shine to me. She had very good English but poor Jane needed a shave more than I did! Her jumper could have done with a soak in a bowl of Vanish Oxy action too. And her teeth….well, there was one and that didn’t look like it was going to stay put for much longer. All in all she was lovely!

Jane made us a cracking good meal while the insane grandmother of the house tried to sell us random stuff behind Jane’s back. Flashlights, plates, plants, you name it, she had it. Totally insane!

25th August

We had a bit of a lie in today before discovering that we were in a gorgeous town. Something we had missed last night in our drunken states. The streets are cobbled and lined with lanterns. It’s like a step back in town. No cars. Barely a bicycle.

As we were exploring the town, we realized that we were a bit of a rarity in Lijang. Everyone was staring at us. A tour group arrived and started taking pictures of us. I felt like I was famous, but I didn’t like it. Some even came and put their arms around us and posed for their friend to take a picture.
In the evening we went down to the square where there was a bit of a cheilí going on. It was great craic, even if the dancing was a bit monotonous. In, out, around, in, out, around, in…..

24th August: Panda, Panda!!

Got up at the crack of dawn and got on a rickshaw out to the Panda sanctuary. It was absolutely brilliant! We made it in time to see the baby panda’s being fed, and at this stage they were fighting and running around. (They sleep for most of the day!) It was like watching a comedy show with all the young pandas punching each other and falling off of trees!
Then came one of Fi’s highlight of the trip…..

It’s a red lesser panda and she got to hold it. The smile lasted for at least three days. ‘It was just soooooo cuddley!’ She wanted to take one home but was firmly reminded that these are endangered species and wouldn’t adapt well to being in a field in Wexford with a herd of cattle.

After the panda sanctuary we went to a park which advertised what looked like a ghost house. Myself and Rich went in…. It was one of the most bizarre moments of my life. It was actually terrifying because there were no things jumping out at you, or nothing making sudden noises. You just walk along a real bomb shelter tunnel not knowing what to expect. There is nothing in the tunnel! So strange, but also terrifying. I don’t exactly know why?????

We headed to the airport and were held up for 4 hours with a massive thunderstorm. We passed the time by playing drinking games and were pretty tipsy getting on the plane. It was only an hour flight but when we landed Rich was fast asleep. We tried to wake him but he just kept cuddling up to his pillow against the window. The Chinese had no idea what was going on. They thought he was sick, or unconscious.

In the end, the captain had to come back and see what the fuss was about. Eventually he awoke, to the captain and 5 stewardesses speaking to him in Chinese. He simply looked at them, turned around, and went back to sleep. I’ve never laughed so much in my life. I wish I had my camera on me.

When we eventually got to the terminal (shed), our bags were waiting for us in a pool of beer. Our cans had all burst! We got in a taxi and headed to our hostel which was impossible to find. The tiny streets were deserted and it was pitch black. After an hour of wandering we somehow came across it. Bed!

23 August: Back to Chengdu

Up early this morning, we got on the rickety bus back to Chengdu. An 8 hour, fun filled trip. The bus driver started playing, by what can only be described as musical chairs. Whatever was being shouted was because of us ‘Westies’. We had no clue what was going on. We just stayed put and ignored the chaos and gave dirty looks to the people trying to throw us off the bus. We were leaving on this bus no matter what. When calm was restored and the bus started on it’s way Rich ended up sitting next to an American girl who literally talked non-stop at him for the entire 8 hours. At one stage he had fallen asleep and she still talked while looking out the window. Dead serious!

We all went through various stages of naps while keeping our Bibles close. If they went missing, we would be “@%$ed! On my left a whole family had squeezed into two seats and the smallest daughter puked for at least 7 hours and 59 mins. Did it smell? Did it what.
When we arrived back in Chengdu we went straight to the train station to get tickets for tomorrow but they were sold out. We nearly cried, as we would have to spend another day in HELL(Chengdu).

Back at the hostel, we managed to book really cheap plane tickets for tomorrow night out of this place. It felt like we had been told we were released from prison! Although, we would have to spend the next day passing the time away.

22 August: Recovering

Rich and Fi headed to the unreal Huanglong Park for the day while I spent the day in Songpan recovering. After holding down a bit of food I went exploring the little village. I missed out on the main spectacle of the day though when I was shown the pictures of Huanglong Park.

Apparently, it was unbelievable with lakes of 17 different colours.

It’s on top of a mountain up at 4000 metres and you can buy oxygen masks if it gets too tough to breath. Most of the (chain-smoking) Chinese were carting a couple of them around.

Back in Songpan I was admiring how well the locals keep their picturesque little town. Even the bins are themed!

21st August: He’ll be riding six white horses

As the sun rose over the mountains I was still alive, barely. It was decided that I had acute mountain sickness and had to get back to lower ground as soon as possible. So our trip in Tibet was cut short as we had to double back and head back into China. On our way we entered a tiny village on the top of a mountain with a Buddhist monastery. Myself and Rich were allowed in but Fi, being female was not allowed to tempt the monks.
They were all praying and had to run back to their dorms when they saw us. They try not to make any contact with the outside world at all. Apparently teenagers come from hundreds of miles away to study on this mountain retreat. Total isolation. Although suffering from altitude sickness and extreme sunburn, I managed to appreciate the unbelievable scenery of totally unspoiled land. Totally deserted. We eventually made it back to Songpan where I swallowed a double dosage of antibiotics.

We found a room for the night in some house. It was filthy but cheap. Actually it was disgusting. The antibiotics sent me straight to sleep.

20th August: Pie balds and Battys

The sound of horses hooves greeted us this morning as we woke up in the shed. The effect of the tablets has worn off and the diarrhea is back even worse than before. The lads were outside. Ready to go, with all the supplies up on other horses. Coming out into the daylight I realized that we have a name for these type of people back home. Just have a look at the photo:

Yes, knackers, pavees, tinkers, travelers, itinerants, whatever you want to call them, that’s what they are. Total cowboys. So we all awkwardly climbed on board our respective horses….when I say horses they were more like sheep. They don’t respond to reins or kicks or shouting. They are more a breed of sheep. They follow each other and that’s that.

So we headed for the hills, out of Songpan. Up and up we went into the mountains on a little trail. For miles we traveled, our behinds becoming numb.

Trying to get into to Tibet unnoticed is relatively easy, as there are so many mountain trails, although these are at huge altitudes so they are dangerous enough. It took nothing out of the horses who seemed pretty well able for the journey. For me though I was on my last legs. Every 20 mins I had to jump off and head for a bush. I’ve never felt so bad in my life! I’ve eaten plenty dodgy Indian food but this is 10 times worse. I got weaker and weaker as the day went on.

We stopped at 4200 meters to set up camp for the night. This is about half way up mount Everest and we were all starting to feel it. Breathing was becoming a lot more difficult and this was not helping my situation. I needed some antibiotics as soon as possible.
As dinner was being served the guides started opening their bottles of fire wine. This is absolutely lethal stuff. I don’t know what percentage alcohol it is but after about an hour all their noses were pumping blood. They didn’t even bat an eyelid, just kept supping away on the stuff as they broke into song every now and again, when they weren’t panned out on the ground. Tough as nails these guys!

As one by one they passed out by the fire, we headed to our tents. A night of hell was about to begin for me

For the entire night I was vomiting….from both ends, and lost all strength. In the end I just lay on the wet grass wishing I would die.

19th August: Out of the Chengdu, into the fire

We decided to get out of Chengdu as quickly as possible, since there is nothing much to do or see so we went to the bus station and got on a bus to Songpan. The drive took a long 10 hours along a road meandering up the mountains on the outskirts of Tibet. We were at a dead stop for an hour at one stage because a boulder had fallen down, squashing a truck and the driver.

We did stop for lunch halfway but we were quickly hunted back onto the bus by the driver because we were being attacked by a swarm of monster size bees. There were a few casualties but luckily we escaped.

Arriving in Songpan we felt much better. It’s a gorgeous little town with old walls surrounding it. The people are really friendly and make an effort to try and put a few English words together.
We didn’t want to pay for a visa and guide into Tibet as it costs a fortune so we talked a few lads with horses into taking us across the mountains, bypassing any checkpoints. We made arrangements and got supplies for tomorrow’s journey. It will be a three day horse trek.

We bedded down in a really desperate hotel for the night. It was a converted bus station with cardboard partitions and no ceilings. Filthy is not the word. The toilets and showers would make a slurry pit look clean. Holding your nose was not enough as the smell seemed to seep through your skin anyway. That night we had our first visit from Mr. Rat!

18th August: Thomas the tank engine has evolved

We woke a bit late today and had to be at the airport for a flight to western China. We trundled with our backpacks through the humidity and got to the train station that would bring us to the airport. This train is special however! It’s a magnetic levitation train. MagLev for short.

As the train pulled into the platform everyone had their cameras out taking pictures. The oooohh’s started to change to eughhhhhh’s as the train got closer. You see, the front of the train was entirely covered in blood and feathers from all the birds it hits on it’s high speed journey.

We boarded the train and it took off as we watched the speedometer ahead of us. We topped at a speed of 431km/hr. We were flying it! We were passing cars on the motorway as if they were at a standstill. 8 minutes later we were at the airport.

Our flight took us to a town called Chengdu. On the map Chengdu looks like a town, but in fact it has 4.3 million people squashed into the place. Here is where China really began. Toilets have become a mere hole in the ground. It’s dirty, full of smog and the poverty is more evident. We are now the only westerners in a 200 mile radius and Chinese is the only language.

We got the number 16 bus to the city and it dropped us in the middle of nowhere. No taxi’s would pick us up and no one could understand us at all. It was beginning to get dark with no sign of accommodation. Eventually a taxi stopped and brought us to a guesthouse. It was rotten. At this stage we did not care. The city is eerily quiet at night and doesn’t seem too safe….at all.

We called it an early night.

17th August: Not quite Nessun Dorma

Woke up this morning with no hangover. Diaharea kicked in 30 mins later. It got worse and worse. I managed to drag myself to an art museum to see a black and white photo expedition from a Mongolian photographer from the 70s. It was amazing stuff. Leaving the museum, I had to do the chicken run back to the hostel to stop myself from soiling my pants. At this stage I was as weak as water and was sick of being harassed by students who wanted to practice their English with me.

After a shower and a lie down I was feeling a bit better so we headed to see a Chinese opera.
It was unbelievable. The most surreal thing I’ve ever seen. The costumes were unreal and the characters didn’t disappoint either. I think the story went something like this.

Prince is killed by wife who is killed by his brother who marries her sister and elopes before she takes revenge and is in turn killed by the god of acrobatics, who is a cat.

By half time (3 hours later) we couldn’t take the shrill voices of the transvestite actors anymore so we had to leave.

16th August: Beers and queers

Today is Fi’s birthday. And what a better way to start your birthday than waking up on a train, one hour from Shanghai with the smell of Pot Noodle oozing up your nostrils. Yes, they even eat them for breakfast. We were exhausted and the humidity in Shanghai is an absolute killer. No one could speak a word of English and we were even told to move on by Security outside a building where we decided to sit down for a breather. Eventually a FedEx crew were passing so I got them to direct us to our hostel.

After a quick shower we headed down to the Bund. Shanghai is really modern and again with really good underground systems. Back at Renmin Square I picked up a snack on the street. This time it was a kind of noodle/pancake/cheese thing. It was gorgeous, much nicer than scorpion. For Fi’s birthday we decided to treat ourselves to a good meal. We ended up at a really nice Indian and after dinner we hit the nightlife of Shanghai. The first pub we spotted, we headed for it. Myself and Rich walked in first but they stopped Fi. Apparently, we were heading into a Japanese gentlemen’s club. No ladies allowed. So we moved on to a quaint little spot that serves shots with every drink. After a few of those it was on to the night club.
The night club was on the top of a shopping centre, which was a bit weird. As we went in we were put sitting at a seat. It looked as if they didn't want us mixing with the locals. After a beer or two my bladder was calling out to me, so I headed for the toilet. Like at home, there is a bathroom guy armed with sweets and perfumes at the sinks looking for tips. I noticed this as I went in. I was the only person in there. I proceeded to do my business at the urinal when suddenly I felt two hands massaging my back as I was taking a piss!


Me: NO!
Toilet guy: Blah blah blah in chineese.
Me: NO! NO! Get away from me.
Toilet guy: Blah blah blah in chineese (still massaging.....and taking a little peek)
Me: Get the F@%K away from me.


I zipped up and went over to wash my hands. He followed me and as I tried to leave he insisted that I gave him a tip, and became very angry. My angry stare got him to move away from the door. Now I couldn't go to the toilet again all night! Very strange experience. When Rich heard my story he too decided to give the toilets a miss for the night.


After a few more drinks I spotted a flashing sign pointing upstairs. It was like a call from heaven.....


KARAOKE ROOMS UPSTAIRS!


We burst up the stairs and spent the rest of the night in a drunken haze screaming out such classic hits as "Livin on a prayer'' and ''Sweet child of mine''. Absolutely great craic!


Conveniently we sneaked out of the place reaslising we had no money to pay for our 3 hour private karaoke room session. Ah well!