16th August: Beers and queers

Today is Fi’s birthday. And what a better way to start your birthday than waking up on a train, one hour from Shanghai with the smell of Pot Noodle oozing up your nostrils. Yes, they even eat them for breakfast. We were exhausted and the humidity in Shanghai is an absolute killer. No one could speak a word of English and we were even told to move on by Security outside a building where we decided to sit down for a breather. Eventually a FedEx crew were passing so I got them to direct us to our hostel.

After a quick shower we headed down to the Bund. Shanghai is really modern and again with really good underground systems. Back at Renmin Square I picked up a snack on the street. This time it was a kind of noodle/pancake/cheese thing. It was gorgeous, much nicer than scorpion. For Fi’s birthday we decided to treat ourselves to a good meal. We ended up at a really nice Indian and after dinner we hit the nightlife of Shanghai. The first pub we spotted, we headed for it. Myself and Rich walked in first but they stopped Fi. Apparently, we were heading into a Japanese gentlemen’s club. No ladies allowed. So we moved on to a quaint little spot that serves shots with every drink. After a few of those it was on to the night club.
The night club was on the top of a shopping centre, which was a bit weird. As we went in we were put sitting at a seat. It looked as if they didn't want us mixing with the locals. After a beer or two my bladder was calling out to me, so I headed for the toilet. Like at home, there is a bathroom guy armed with sweets and perfumes at the sinks looking for tips. I noticed this as I went in. I was the only person in there. I proceeded to do my business at the urinal when suddenly I felt two hands massaging my back as I was taking a piss!


Me: NO!
Toilet guy: Blah blah blah in chineese.
Me: NO! NO! Get away from me.
Toilet guy: Blah blah blah in chineese (still massaging.....and taking a little peek)
Me: Get the F@%K away from me.


I zipped up and went over to wash my hands. He followed me and as I tried to leave he insisted that I gave him a tip, and became very angry. My angry stare got him to move away from the door. Now I couldn't go to the toilet again all night! Very strange experience. When Rich heard my story he too decided to give the toilets a miss for the night.


After a few more drinks I spotted a flashing sign pointing upstairs. It was like a call from heaven.....


KARAOKE ROOMS UPSTAIRS!


We burst up the stairs and spent the rest of the night in a drunken haze screaming out such classic hits as "Livin on a prayer'' and ''Sweet child of mine''. Absolutely great craic!


Conveniently we sneaked out of the place reaslising we had no money to pay for our 3 hour private karaoke room session. Ah well!

15th August: Cabin fever

During last night, a new German girl came into our dorm, something Rich must have slept through because as he tried to make his way in the dark to the toilet from his top bunk he slipped and fell. Literally onto the new girl who thought that she was being molested by some ogre! After a while she calmed down a bit and agreed not to call the police. Luckily today we leave Beijing, so an awkward second night in the dorm was prevented.
Myself and Fi got up early to go down and watch the raising of the flag in Tianamen Square. At 4.30am it was mobbed with people. We were nowhere close to it with the thousands of people. Nice to see it all the same. For the rest of the day we walked the streets of Beijing. There was stalls everywhere selling street food so this was the time to step up to the….ahem….plate.

There are certain things that I don’t like to eat, mushrooms being one of them. It’s not the taste that turns me off, it’s the texture but after eating a fried scorpion on the streets of Beijing I would gladly stuff a mushroom in my mouth. Again, it was the texture that turned me off…..and the taste…and the look of it…..and the crunchy tail….EUCH!!!

It was then time to go get the train. A 12 hour sleeper train to Shanghai. When we got to the train station we had our first real experience of China. Masses of people squashing into the station, chaos prevailing! I’ve never seen so many boobs in my life with all the women breastfeeding. I think some grandmothers were even giving it a go. The grandfathers would have happily joined in too if they weren’t so busy spitting the contents of their nasal tubes onto the ground.

On the train was a bit more peaceful. We had gotten a soft sleeper, which is a luxury. A cabin with 4 beds and a Chinese woman. She seemed a bit intimidated by us. One thing that is really popular in China is the Pot Noodle. But not the one’s we’re used to. These things are sold in buckets as a full dinner. Same principle. Just add boiling water, and all the carriages have hot water dispensers so the place was full of them. You can just imagine the smell. It’s like sticking you’re head into a sauna powered by pot noodles when you get on the train.

14th August: The Great (hard, tough, big, hot, steep) Wall

Today is the day that I became a man.....according to Mao anyway. He is of the opinion that you are not a real man until you walk the Great Wall. And after today I half agree with him. We were told not to go on a tour as they bring you to a Hollywood version of the wall where the wall is all nicely preserved and there are stalls selling memorabilia every 2 meters.

So, we got a bus to Jinshaning, in Inner Mongolia and decided to hike along the wall to Simati. It was a scorcher of a day and we had decided to walk the length of the wall with 500mls of water each. Stupid? Yes. The walk up to the wall itself is pretty steep and immediately you get a sense of how the Mongolians must have felt as they approached this monstrosity.

Once on top of the wall you are hit by it's enormity and can see it stretching to the horizon in both directions. It really is breath-taking. The heat took it's toll and after 2 hours the pace was down to a crawl. At each watchtower we were given a bit of shade but quickly had to move on because Mongolian farmers try to sell you their life's possessions.

The last hour of the wall was the hardest, a 70 degree incline up steps that were falling down around us. We had the option of either walking an extra half an hour to get to the road but me and Fi decided to take the flying fox down which took less than 30 seconds. They tied us together because they said we were too light and if we went on our own we'd get stuck hanging 30 feet up in the air in the middle of the wire. Nice.

Sweaty Betty and sweaty rambo

The trip back to Beijing took forever because the driver decided to pick up his lady on the side along the way, or should I say, way out of our way. She insisted on screeching, the whole way back to Beijing (from my level of Chinese I think she was talking about some bitch in work who was wearing the same nail polish today) while we were wishing we had brought the earplugs.